Judging Amy is on!!!

So sometimes things whirl around in my head and well mostly I can never type or write fast enough to catch them all and since I hate the sound of my own voice I wont record them either so they wither away unrealized and soon forgotten. I don't know if I'm making any sense but since this is my journal I can be as scatterbrained as I want so right now this is going to be a brain dump for me. Most of the time I hate novel like entry's by people... But since Panasit and myself will probabily be the only one's reading this it's ok. So first I really must gush and get all my thoughts on "Him" out but see they're not just thoughts on "him" per-say but just general thoughts on Love as well. I guess some of this is due to watching "The United States of Leland' lastnight because it had a profound point here and there. I think maybe the other reason I'm enjoying this so is because it reminds me of scenes from the movie "You Got Mail", I guess somewhere deep down I wish I was writing my provoking and honest toughs on these topics to someone I was potential in love with or that that person and I would have a movie ending like all romantic comedy's with that beautiful brightly coloured ending that well most of us hope for. Anyway I tend to over analyze myself and certain situations particularly when it's in the "romance" department. This "whatever" as I call it hasn't even begun and already I'm being neurotic about it. Panasit made some fabulous points today, about how women should make the man come to them and if I was so nervous about texting "him" so much how would I ever br comfortable around him. All great points. Becky on the other hand, who I talked to lastnight said "boys are dumb" and while I'm sitting here having a fit because he hasn't called in 5 days.... He on the otherhand just might not have though to or has been busy. Which I imagine Panasit saying, is that the kind of guy you want someone who's too busy just to leave a message saying "hey." Which in my mind I bat back and forth thinking maybe he is just playing it cool or because it's "him" he's thinks I'm no longer interested... Which leads to we'll maybe he doesn't understand you really are interested and not joking or trying to boost his self esteem....Which is followed by, maybe he does know and is purposely sabotaging it as to not hurt your feelings because he still just thinks of you as a friend or he's too nervous. And the thoughts go on... It drive me nuts really because ( this next bit if it's not already a scene in a movie will be someday because it's so cliche) I can't get "him" out of my head, I check my phone constantly to see if he's called/texted I lurk online at work hoping he'll be there just to talk to him. "Him" the one 5 years ago I though was my soulmate when I met him. I was young and I don't know if he is now or not... I don't know anything because we haven't communicated really and I'm nervous because I don't want to spoil something before it happens like so many times before. I could function normally before, and just 1 fate conversation by chance 1 night changed everything for me. If it did for him I don't know. But I hate being all retarded and dependent, I hate having "him" on my mind so much, haunting my days. I might not hate it so if I knew he felt the same... I think I hate is so because for so long now I've just shut my romantic side down. Anyway I don't remember where else I wanted to take this brain dump but I do want to make a 2 points from "The United States of Leland" First, Leland kept saying "what's the point of crying, or praying" other then to trick ourselves into thinking it's helping. I wish sometimes I could think that way, where only human you might say to that... Which as Leland pointed out people only say to makes us feel better about something bad that has happened. My second Leland point ( the bit about being human wasn't it) is from Pearl, Lelands teacher where he says, "People are so happy when they are in love because they remember how it was to not be in love and to have our hearts broke" I think there is so merit in that statement, or maybe to you it's just plain obvious.....