Change in the Tides

So it's been over a week since I checked in but since Panasit is the only one who reads this, and I talk to him almost daily it's not that big of a deal. Anyway the last few days I've been watching the appendices for The Lord of the Rings... They are so full of information and it just makes me more restless. I still have no idea how to go about it all. I've watched all the different department segments and there's so many tasks I'm interested but yet there's no "production" film schools per-say, well none that teach in depth. I don't know if what I'm searching for has past you know, because the brotherhood that was the production staff for Lord of the Rings is disbanded. Granted the production company's still work together just not under such intense circumstances. I need that brotherhood setting to function though... That's what really drives me. I'm not sure what the draw is, if it's still searching for a recreation of that fellowship that makes me desperate to go to New Zealand or if it's Peter Jackson himself and his accomplishments. I don't know if myself I'd want to head such a big production, I just like being a cog in a giant machine, if I'm not there it doesn't work as well, but where all working together. What Peter has achieved for himself and his country is amazing. Oi I keep getting interrupted and its hard to keep a clear thought. Anyway I want so badly to I guess plainly said "make" things props, furniture, costumes, trees, anything but where do I start?

In other news I've come to terms with myself and "him." What Panasit has told me was true, I deserve someone who wants to pay attention to me and talk to me and actually be with me instead of just constantly saying "we should hang out this week." So I'm locking my heart up again and looking only forward as I try and make something out of myself. Maybe being career driven is a cop out as Jason said but for now it's what I want. I'll take the fear and unknow of where my career path will take me over the fear and sadness of if a guy "likes" me.